aaarrrggghhhh

So I am going to use this as a journal right now because I don't think I can cry anymore about this.... So three reasons why I hate my life right now.... 1) I absolutely LOVE my job, 2)It was my birthday this week, and 3) We got a new car... Wait... all of these things should make me feel happy and yet they are the reason why I feel absolutely miserable. They rescinded a whole bunch of pink slips today.... 36 of us didn't get rescinded... I was one of those 36 :( I found out today during brunch in between STAR testing.. and those of you that know me, I can not hold my emotions well at all.... as I was trying to stay calm and NOT cry, I found out more and more people got their pink slips rescinded and I felt like the only one out there that wasn't coming back, and then of course the tears flowed... this is only two days after my birthday when one of my students gave me a card, "After spending an hour, every day in your classroom, I still see you at least once a week for additional help. I cannot express how much I would like to thank you in my countless moments of struggle. With each simple question that I make difficult, you always make me feel special, in dedicating your time in helping me understand, whatever it may be. I have never once heard or seen any form of annoyance :) or refusal when I ask for help. I want you to know I truly admire and treasure that. Knowing you for only 4 months is no factor in why you are my favorite teacher. But your personality and heart is why you are. Happy Birthday and thank you." I was so excited about that card because that is the reason I teach, that is the reason I look forward to going to work on Mondays... I not only want to help kids understand math but I truly do what to touch their lives. Everything right now is so ironic because I absolutely LOVE my job and the students and everything about it, and yet that is why I cried for a half hour today during lunch, the students make me feel important and they like to listen to what I have to say, whether it is about math, or something stupid about Michigan State. Today the kids found out why I was upset and one of them was like, "what can we do to help? Who do we go to to keep your job, we will march down to the district office right now if you can keep your job." Another student said, "Ya know what you are so good at teaching you should just start your own school." And yet another student said, "If you aren't my teacher next year I am not going to understand math again and then my parents are going to have to spend lots and lots of money on a tutor!" I replied jokingly with a "well thats fine, cuz then you can hire me as your tutor, because I am going to need to make money somehow...." and then half the kids were like, okay yeah, you can tutor me next year!!! For the first time today after I found out my pink slip wasn't getting rescinded I smiled and laughted, and how very ironic that is because it is these kids that made me smile and made it all worth it, and it is the reason why it will be so hard if I end up losing my job....

Ya ever wonder how any of this happens??? Here I am celebrating my 26th birthday... everything is good, I got to talk to a bunch of people that I haven't talked to in a while, I was able to hang out with my sister in law and have a great time on my birthday. My mom's present to me came a day late but it was an absolutely fabulous gift. Everything was going good. I am driving to work today singing Kenny Chesney songs.... someone asks how I am doing today as I walk into work and I say "Fabulous," and then here it comes... completely unsuspecting... I thought I had until May 15 for this day, and I get an email that says in your boxes today some people got their pink slips rescinded... so I am thinking... how awesome of a bday present would this be.... I get to my mailbox..... EMPTY. How my day turned so quickly into a 180.... I am not sure.... I wish this whole drama would end... I don't feel like "not knowing" anymore. It's completely and utterly not fair how this whole things works... another "ironic" thing... I just got my annual report today on how I did on teaching this year and I had all "Meet or Exceeds Standards marks" but apparantly it doesn't matter what my mentor teacher thinks, or what my students think.... or even yet, how my students perform.... all that apparantly matters is that I was one of the last math hires in the district... and that is the reason why I may lose my job.

I love our new car... but now I am thinking of how foolish we were to purchase it while all of this stuff is going down.... we still don' tknow whether or not I have a job next year, yet we have a lexus sitting in our garage in place of the paid off jeep that was once there.....

Everybody says things are looking up, I am sure you will be fine next year... but to me things seem more bleek than before... It scares me that a hell of a lot of people got their pink slips rescinded and I was one of the few that didn't.... I thought I was higher on the list but apparantly I am not.... I feel like I am either gonna lose 10 lbs (not a bad thing) or have an ulcer by the time all of this is done..... and let alone put my life on hold until we figure out what the hell is going on.... Do I look for another job? Do I go back to coaching? Do I wait until August again to see if the district will rehire? Do I try to look for "business job" where I will probably make more money and be able to use the degree that I graduated with? All this not knowing... I told Brady today that I didn't even care (which is a big lie) but I really would just rather give up right now and throw in the towel because then i would at least know.... it is this in limbo thing that keeps stressin me out..... uuuugggghhhh.....

The thing that makes me feel even worse, is here I am worried about whether I keep my job or not, while a good family friend was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, and when one of my students best friend's dad passed away yesterday, and here I am crying about my FREAKING JOB.... at least I have my health, at least I have people that love me.... It all puts things in perspective, and then I (again with the I) feel horrible for being selfish....